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So Sutter Home is generally recognized as a wine for lower middle class women to drink to feel that they are sophisticated. Swill Wines like Franzia come out of a box. These two wines do not come close to the scourge of American “wine”. Some of these wines have very little resemblance to wine that would be served at any restaurant, you may have to drive “across the tracks” to get most of them, and there are allegations that one of these wines is a Republican conspiracy to kill homeless people. Examining these wines may just lead you to believe that your girlfriend or wife’s tendency to drink white zinfandel may not be such a bad thing.

Thunderbird

What’s the word? Thunderbird! This wine is a concept of the Gallo Brothers, introduced shortly after prohibition in order to corner the market on young drinkers. This quickly reached the inner city ghettos, leading to the poor and homeless to drink this strange drink down again and again. (Bumwine) This beverage is a strange transparent yellowish liquid, and it will send you into a drunken stupor in a hurry. Some may claim that this is the worst of the bum wines, but if served cold enough (by putting it in the freezer for about an hour), it is quite palatable. This is the most economical of all of the bum wines as well, costing a few dimes less than most of the competition. (Yes, you have to measure relative cost of these wines in dimes and not dollars, they are for homeless people.) For about $3 a bottle, it is not a bad bet if you just need to get smashed.

Boone’s Farm

We have all seen it. We may have wondered what it is, or why anyone would buy it. The reasons are simple: they are an 18-23 year old woman with no self-respect who cannot tolerate other alcohol but still wants to party or they are an 18-25 year old male looking to have an enjoyable evening with one of these ladies. It comes in flavors such as strawberry and sangria, and they are all equally unpleasant for anyone who does not fall into the aforementioned category. This is not because it is high in alcohol, far from it. The unpleasantness is a direct result of the fact that these beverages taste like the most discount artificially sweetened fruit punch that you could ever find in the back of the worst grocery stores in poverty-stricken areas. This does not qualify as a bum wine, but if you are drinking this, you certainly have about as much (arguably less) taste in alcohol as a weathered homeless man begging for money for a drink just off Fremont Street in Las Vegas.

Night Train

Just like Thunderbird, this is made by E&J Gallo Winery. Drinkers of this beverage often report feeling drowsiness similar to taking a sleeping medication. (Bumwine) Guns N Roses performed a song named after this beverage, and the lyrics seem to indicate the potency of this bum wine. Phrases like “loaded like a freight train”, “flying like an airplane”, “feeling like a space brain” and “drinking gasoline” suggest that hopping on board this train will result in a quick trip to pink elephant town. Drink with extreme caution.

MD 20/20

Mogen David 20/20, better known as “Mad Dog” is a Jewish winery’s attempt to make money off the homeless, alcoholics, and college students. Mag Dog comes in a variety of flavors, all sickeningly sweet. The red grape variety cn be found in 18% and 13% alcohol varieties, but all other wines in this line are strictly 13%. (Bumwine) This wine is common for not just bums but also high schoolers, college students, and those who drank too much of this and failed out of either.

Wild Irish Rose

Drinking this wine is just asking for the feeling that you have been kicked in the mouth by an angry horse the morning after. It comes in a strange red color with a slightly orange hue and packs a potent punch. Cold, it tastes like wine mixed with fruit punch. Warm, it tastes like the worst store brand cough syrup you could ever imagine. This wine is incredibly sugary, and will leave you with a deadly combination of a mouth that feels like it needs several good brushings and dehydration that will make you think you haven’t had water in ages after a night with this Celtic flower. Essentially, you wake up the next morning feeling just about like every homeless person looks. Do not drink it unless you are a very heavy alcoholic or you have a love for horrible hangovers.

These are the fundamentals of the American trash wine lineup. Cisco is another wine that typically falls in this category, but from most reports it is more like syrup with alcohol in it. That sounds like homeless people’s pancake topping, not wine. Remember to steer clear of these wines unless you just have to put yourself through a horrible drunkenness and a painful hangover. I warned you, don’t say I didn’t.

References

http://www.bumwine.com/

Source:

  1. Flavored fortified wines
  2. Benefits of Juicing
  3. BumWine.com

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